


The Cost of Forgivness

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Episode Related, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-01-03
Updated: 2000-01-03
Packaged: 2018-11-10 07:37:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11122737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: This story is a sequel toTogether They Stand.





	The Cost of Forgivness

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Sequel to 'Together They Stand'

Due South: Alliance

The Cost Of Forgiveness 

By Winston

Fraser sat at the counter in Ray's quiet apartment. It wasn't quite 5:00 a.m. Ray was still sleeping, and probably would be for another hour and a half. Fraser was sure that Ray had set his alarm for 6:30. The Mountie was contentedly sipping a cup of tea, enjoying the silence of the early morning. It gave him a chance to reflect on the past few months.

The summer had been rough for everyone. Ex-States Attorney Brandauer had seen to that. His quest for revenge against Lt. Welsh had very nearly cost Ray his life. It had been a slow painful recovery for his partner. 

'The Brandauer incident', as it was now called had happened back in April. Ray had been off work almost two and a half months. His return to work had been slowed by a lingering case of pneumonia, and weight loss. The doctors had refused to sign his release until he had regained at least ten pounds of what he had lost. Even with the best efforts of his mother and Ma Vecchio, the process had been slow. 

Welsh felt responsible for the suffering that he had to watch his young friend endure. Brandauer had been 'his' enemy. Brandauer had wanted to get even with Welsh and used Ray to do it. The guilt from that had weighed heavily on Welsh. Ray, knowing how his boss felt, had spent a lot of energy trying to down play the whole situation. Fraser was caught somewhere in the middle trying to help both of his friends come to terms with the aftermath.

Ray had been changed by the entire affair. It wasn't anything obvious, just subtle changes that were noticed only by Fraser. In the squadroom he was the same old Ray, overactive and a little mouthy. It was after the shift when Ray knew that he could relax with his friend that the changes were noticeable. In a strange way it was gratifying for Fraser to know that Ray finally trusted him enough to let down his usually tight guard.

Ray was much quieter. The two friends could go for hours at a time with very little being said. But it was a comfortable quiet. Fraser was very good at keeping things bottled up inside, and although this was not normal for Ray Kowalski, Fraser understood. Fraser was willing to give him some time. Ray, for his part, was just glad he had someone to spend time with who knew what he had been through and could understand. 

Fraser saw a certain sadness in his partner. A sadness that the Mountie was sure had to do with the death of Joe Stahley. Although Joe was one of Brandauer's goons, in the end, he had given his life to save Ray. As of yet, Ray had never talked about the big man, or the sacrifice that he had made. Fraser had never pressed the issue. The Mountie figured that Ray needed some time to get his thoughts arranged before he would be willing to try and express them. Fraser would be patient, but he planned to be there when Ray was ready to talk. 

Ray had also become even more cautious than before. Ray had never had a lot of faith in people. Trusting was just not easy for the blonde headed detective, but in the time that they had been partners the Mountie had seen that begin to change. Unfortunately most of the gains that Ray had made in trusting had been destroyed by the reality of yet another slap in the face from his 'fellow man'. 

Some would have said that it bordered on paranoia. Ray never entered into a new situation, or even stepped out onto the street that he wasn't fully aware of all the possible dangers. Fraser understood that Ray did not base this on any fear for himself. In an odd way Ray had turned the blame for the whole episode back on himself. He felt that it was his lack of vigilance that had started the ball rolling. If Ray hadn't allowed himself to be taken, then his friends would not have been forced to expose themselves to the danger of getting him back. It was a trait that often upset Fraser, but Ray was the master of finding fault with himself and even his most innocent actions. 

Welsh had agreed to let Ray come back to work on one condition. The first thirty days was to be limited to desk duty, or light fieldwork. He was to avoid any situation that would put him in danger of physical confrontation. Despite Ray's best efforts Welsh knew that the younger man's chest was still very tender. Welsh was only satisfied when he was finally able to get Ray to look him in the eye and give him his word. 

Ray's first two weeks back were the most difficult. Ray, being keenly aware of Welsh's feelings of guilt, had pushed himself to appear totally unaffected by the whole affair. The result of the charade was that by the end of the day he would often be completely exhausted. Several times in that period Fraser had dropped by Ray's in the evening, only to find the Detective sound asleep on the couch, fully clothed, often with a half empty cup of coffee setting nearby. Fraser would quietly busy himself in Ray's kitchen. He would then wake Ray up, make him eat a little something and hustle him off to bed. 

The tension finally came to an end with a rather volatile confrontation in Welsh's office. It was the picture that started it all. Fraser glanced at the newly framed photo, sipped his tea and smiled. Ray had hung the picture over the hole that Welsh had punched in the wall after his meeting with Brandauer.

It was the last day of Ray's thirty-day light duty requirement. One of the guys from The Crime Scene Unit called Ray into Welsh's office to present a rather interesting gift to the two men. The previous week the 27th district had been involved in a sweep through an abandoned warehouse for an armed suspect in a homicide investigation. Ray was allowed to accompany Welsh to the scene, but only with a firm reminder of his promise to not put himself in a dangerous situation. Although Welsh knew that Ray would want to be good to his word, he also understood the Detective's impulsive nature. One of the photographers from the Crime Scene Unit was on hand and saw a photo opportunity that he just couldn't pass up. 

The photo was of Welsh and Ray standing beside Welsh's car. Ray's gaze was fixed on the sweep operation that was being carried out by the other members of his unit. His arms were crossed against his chest and he was leaning slightly forward. Welsh, although also intent on the proceedings, was slouched against the car. Welch had one hand busy with the two-way radio that he was using to co-ordinate the operation, the other hand firmly grasped the back of Ray's belt. Ray looked like an eager bird dog straining against his leash, impatiently waiting to be released to join the hunt. A comparison not lost on the photographer. 

The representative of the Crime Scene Unit presented each man with a framed copy of the photo. Ray's gift included a 'welcome back' card signed by all the members of the unit. Fraser and Welsh both noticed the pained look that passed across the face of their friend as he looked at the card. Ray recovered quickly and warmly thanked the presenter of the gift. It wasn't until the man had left, and they had a chance to see the card that Fraser and Welsh understood Ray's initial reaction. The card was addressed to 'Welsh's Pit-Bull'. 

Welsh had heard Joe Stahley call Ray a pit-bull just before the big man was killed. It had been the nickname that the criminal had given to the much smaller, but very feisty detective. Welsh and Fraser both knew that somehow, in the middle of the terrible happenings of last April, a friendship had been formed between the two men.

Welsh moved out from behind his desk. "Well Detective. Tomorrow you go back on full duty. I appreciate you stickin' to your word." Welsh smiled down at the photo that he still held in his big hand as he continued. "I know it wasn't always easy for you to do."

Ray smiled almost shyly. "Ah... That's alright. It was probably the 'smart' thing to do...and we all know you can't always rely on me to do the smart thing."

"Ya. Well ya got a point there Detective." Welsh smiled warmly as he laid his hand on Ray's shoulder. "I just want ta tell you that I know how hard the last few months have been on you...and... well...I'm sorry I got ya into that mess Ray."

Ray dropped his gaze to the floor and smiled again. "Ya well...my fault...my own fault."

Welsh stiffened. He took a step back and looked sharply at the younger man. "What did you say?"

Ray looked up quickly, surprised at the sudden anger evident in Harding's voice. "Well...it's just that..."

"No!...No! You tell me exactly what you just said detective, and you tell me now!" Welsh stepped back into Ray's face, forcing eye contact.

Ray's face reflected his puzzlement at Welsh's sudden change of mood. Ray shot a quick look at Fraser. No help there. The Mountie understood the anger that Welsh was feeling. Fraser often felt the same way when Ray would so easily find fault with himself.

"Now Detective!" Ray's gaze dropped back down to the floor, suddenly realizing just where this might lead.

"I said it was my own fault....I just...." Ray's voice was barely above a whisper. 

"That's what I thought you said. Jeezes! I can't believe you said that Ray." Welsh quickly rubbed his big hands across his face. He was trying very hard to get control of his emotions.

"I know that you ain't wired right Detective, but how in the sam-hell did you get it in that crazy head of yours that 'any' of that shit was 'your' fault?" Welsh put both hands on his hips and stared at Ray in wonder. "If it was anyone's fault it was mine. Jeezes Ray! Brandauer was after 'me'. He 'used' you. That can't be your fault!"

"But it wasn't 'your' fault." Ray shot a quick glance at his boss and then returned his gaze to the floor. The last thing that Ray wanted was for this man, who had become his friend, to feel responsible for what had happened to him at the hands of Brandauer. "Brandauer was a nut case...you'd never do..."

"Your right. Brandauer was a nut case, but he was 'my' nut case. I should have dealt with the ass-hole years ago. I just always figured that it would work itself out in time...and it did, but you're the one that ended up paying the price for 'our' feud." Welsh jammed his hands deep into his pockets and turned to look out the window. "Jeezes Ray. I don't believe you said that." 

Fraser could see that the big man's anger was beginning to turn to embarrassment. Welsh still felt the guilt that had beset him soon after the whole incident began. He had seen the price that Ray had paid for their friendship. Welsh had trouble believing that his friendship could be worth what Ray had endured.

Ray suddenly straightened his stance, glaring at Welsh. "None of this shit would have happened if I would have had my head out of my ass that night." Ray had worked hard to ease the guilt that had plagued Welsh. It made him mad to think that all his effort hadn't helped. "I'm a cop...and they picked me off the street like a damn school girl or somethin'...There's no way on God's green earth it should have been that easy."

Ray was moving towards Welsh as he spoke. His rising anger was reflected in the increasing volume of his voice. When Welsh turned to continue his part of the argument the two men were nose to nose.

Fraser had been watching the scene unfold. A smile crossed his face as he turned to shut the office door. He smiled pleasantly to the small crowd that had begun to gather outside. Although it had been commonplace before April, it had been a long time since anyone had heard Welsh and Ray go at each other like this.

"If you would kindly excuse us. I do believe things are about to return to normal around here." With another polite nod of his head Fraser closed the door.

The Mountie turned to face the two men; a small smile still played across his face. He had almost forgotten how much he had missed this part of his friend's relationship. Welsh and Ray had always had the ability to set each other off, and although it could sometimes get very heated, it always ended well.

The Mountie stood quietly. The two men were red in the face, their noses only an inch apart. Ray, being the shorter of the two, and not to be out done, was standing on his tiptoes. Fraser was again reminded of the truth that lay behind Ray's latest nickname. He watched until the argument reached the point of reciprocal finger jams into the chest before moving over to try and return some peace to the situation.

"Gentlemen please. If you would allow me to..."

"What!" Like a well-schooled drill-team, Welsh and Ray both spun to look at the Mountie, their hands going to their hips and the word spoken in unison.

Fraser fought to suppress a smile. With the mood that his two friends were in, Fraser knew that a misread smile could result in some bodily harm for a certain Mountie.

"As an involved party to this entire situation, and at this particular juncture the only one in the proper frame of mind, I was wondering if I may be allowed to voice my opinion." Fraser stood quietly before the still angry men, his patented 'big eyed Mountie' expression firmly in place.

As Ray raised his finger to direct the argument towards Fraser, Welsh firmly laid his hand on the younger man's arm. "Back off detective! Fraser has earned the right to be heard." 

Ray shot an angry glance towards Welsh, but instantly responded to his boss's order. There was a lot to be said for good training. 

Fraser smiled and gave Welsh a quick nod. "If you two gentlemen would please be seated. I believe that the opinion of a third party may help eliminate some of the confusion that you two seem to be in."

Welsh and Ray shot a puzzled look at each other before returning their gaze to the Mountie.

Fraser pointed the two combatants toward the couch and waited patiently for them to be seated.

"It has been my observation that over the last several months you have both been laboring under an obvious misconception of the facts involved in this matter." Fraser joined his hands behind his back and paced slowly back and forth in front of his friends. His head lowered in concentration. "You have both turned this entire affair around. You have both, and wrongly I might add, turned the blame away from the only true source."

Ray jumped up from his position, only to have the Mountie step in front of him and not to gently push him back down onto the couch. Fraser bent down, put his finger in Ray's face and looked him right in the eye. "Ray you are my friend, but right now I want you to set down and shut up!"

Welsh looked sideways at the shocked Detective and smirked. Fraser caught the big man's expression and quickly sidestepped to stand before him. He bent down to Welsh's eye level put his finger in his face and looked at him sternly.

"I fully expect 'both' of you to set here and listen to what I have to say." Fraser continued to stare down at his unofficial boss. Both men missed the smile that flashed across Ray's face. " Sir, I do not mean to be disrespectful, but you did say that I had earned the right to speak, and I would appreciate it if you would 'both' give me your undivided attention."

Fraser straightened, tugged at the bottom of his tunic, and closely studied his now attentive friends.

"If I could now continue." As he spoke Fraser again laced his hands behind his back and began to pace before the two men. "Ray, you seem to believe that if you had not allowed yourself to be taken that this whole affair could have been avoided. The one thing that you have not considered is that the Stahley brothers were very good at what they did for a living. Once the order had been given they were going to get the job done. If they would have been unable to get you as they did, I am convinced that they would have found another way. They could have pumped your apartment full of gas and carried you out. They could have put drugs in your coffee, considering that any unusual taste in 'your' coffee would have gone totally undetected. There are a hundred different ways to successfully accomplish what they set out to do."

"The Constable's right Ray." Welsh continued only after a cautionary glance at the Mountie. "Hell. They coulda shot you at a hundred yards with a tranquilizer dart or somethin'. I know you well enough to know that they had to have a pretty slick set up, to have ever gotten you that way." Welsh laid his hand over on Ray's knee as he finished. "They were pros Ray. Short of getting' yourself killed, there was nothin' you coulda done to prevent it."

Ray sat silently. His shoulders were slumped and he would not return the gaze of his two friends. As was his habit when nervous he was absently twisting his fingers, his eyes focused on the floor in front of him.

Fraser, sensing his partner's embarrassment, shifted the attention to Welsh.

"Now, Leftenant. Sir, you seem to think that because Brandauer was intent on revenge against 'you' what he chose to do to Ray was somehow your fault. You mentioned that you should have taken care of the problem years ago." Fraser stopped in front of Welsh and looked at the big man intently. "I believe that you did the right thing in hoping that time would ease your differences. We all know the kind of man that Brandauer had become. Short of killing the man there is very little that you could have done to deal with the problem. Knowing the kind of man that 'you' are, Ray and I both understand that killing the man was not a viable option." 

Fraser knelt down in front of his friends. Welsh sat slumped with his elbow on the arm of the couch, his head cradled in his big hand. His gaze never leaving the Mountie's face. Ray still sat slumped in his place, his eyes shifting back and forth between his two friends. He had relaxed a little after Fraser had turned his attention to Welsh.

"The thing that both of you seem to have overlooked is that it was 'Brandauer' who chose to do this. He was a bad man who made some evil decisions. He took on a course of action that hurt all of us. Granted Ray took on the brunt of his attach, but Brandauer's actions affected all of us." Fraser placed his hands on the knees of his friends as he continued. "It is very difficult to watch a friend suffer, whether physically, or emotionally."

Fraser stood up slowly. "I was forced to leave Ray in that room knowing the shape he was in. I was forced to watch what was done to him, and was unable to stop it. We have each been forced to struggle with the consequences of 'Brandauer's' actions." Fraser looked carefully at the two men before him. "Gentlemen. I believe that it is time that we forgive ourselves. If we don't Brandauer will have won a victory that he does not deserve. We won out over him once. We can not allow ourselves to be bested in this effort either."

The three men sat in silence for a very long time. Each man was keenly aware of the truth of what had just been said. The healing had to begin somewhere. Why not let it begin here? 

 

Fraser's wandering mind returned to the quiet apartment and his tea. Since the confrontation in Welsh's office things had almost returned too normal. Fraser knew that Ray still had some unresolved issues to deal with, but it was a beginning. Welsh and Fraser both knew that for the youngest member of the trio, forgiving himself was not going to be an easy thing. It was a part of Ray's personality that neither of his friends could understand. It was a part of the package that was Stanley Raymond Kowalski, but they were both willing to deal with it. 

It was almost 6:30. Ray would be getting up soon. After starting a pot of coffee, Fraser made his way to Ray's bedroom door. There was enough light from the window to show that his partner was still sleeping comfortably. Diefenbaker was stretched out on the rug beside Ray's bed. The wolf was still very protective of his now recovered pack mate. Fraser was tempted to slip in, shut off the alarm, and let Ray sleep. They had been up late last night. The events of the spring and summer seemed to have really cemented their friendship, and yet last night's discussion had not been easy for Ray. 

It would be the first time this month that both friends had the same weekend off. Several times during the week Ray had asked Fraser if he had any plans. Fraser could tell that there was something on Ray's mind, but each time he would just smile shyly and change the subject. Fraser made it a point to leave his calendar open. 

Friday night finally came around, and knowing that he was running out of time, Ray at last worked up the courage to talk to his friend. Ray always seemed to find it easier to talk when he was driving. If things got too intense he could always use his need to focus on the driving as an excuse to give himself some time to think. It also limited his nasty habit of pacing. Unfortunately for Fraser it didn't do much for his driving. A normal car ride with Ray Kowalski could be an adventure, but a nervous Ray Kowalski?...Fraser gripped the door handle tightly as his friend finally began to open up. 

"Ah.Fraser.. I know I asked you once this week...but ya got any plans for the weekend?" Ray's grip on the wheel tightened.

"Well actually Ray you have asked me 'three' times if I had any plans for the weekend." Fraser couldn't help but have a little fun at his friend's expense. " Unfortunately you have yet to tell me whatever it is that you have been wanting to tell me, so as of this time, no; I have no plans for the weekend." 

Ray shot a sideways glance at his friend. Sometimes it was very hard for Ray to know when Fraser was attempting to be funny.

"Well...Ya ...Anyway Fraser ole buddy...I kinda got a favor to ask...and it's kind of a big favor ya know...but If you don't want to do it, that's Ok, really, cause it is kind of a 'big' favor ya see ..and I don't...."

"Ray!"

"Want to bother you or anything...cause it ain't goin' to be much fun..an.."

"Ray!" 

"It's just that I got this little problem an...well really it isn't a little problem..."

"Ray!"

"In facts it's kind of a big prob..."

"RAY!"

"What? Jeezes Fraser what ya yellin' about anyway...? I just asked if ya had any plans for the weekend." 

Fraser couldn't help but smile. "You're blithering Ray." It had been a long time since Fraser had heard one of Ray's ramble attacks and he had kind of missed it. He had rather enjoyed some of the quiet times they had spent together lately, but that was just not the Ray Kowalski that he knew. 

"Ya well. I'm just a little nervous here Fraser...and..it 'is' important." Ray swerved out around a slower vehicle. It seemed the more nervous he became the faster he drove.

"Ok Ray. Just slow down, take a deep breath and tell me what I can do to help." Fraser was suddenly very interested in calming his friend down. He didn't want to spend the weekend in the hospital.

"Right...sure...I can do that..." Ray obediently slowed the GTO down to a more reasonable speed and took a deep breath. The next part wasn't going to be as easy.

"Ya see Fraser. It's like this. I...well it's just that ..."

"Ray please. Just say it." Fraser was starting to get just a little upset with the fact that even after everything that they had been through together Ray was having such a difficult time in asking for his help.

"I want you to teach me how to swim....Now. I know we did that thing on the Henry Alexander...Allen...and I kind of got the hang of it then ya know...but that's been awhile back now. And I don't really know how much of it I really remember...and" Ray was in full squirm mode now. He had a death grip on the steering wheel and was moving around more than Fraser thought possible in such a tight place. 

"Ray!"

"I been kinda havin' a problem.."

"Ray!"

"With sleepin' lately an..."

"RAY"

"WHAT!"

"Ray. I think we need to go somewhere so we can talk." Fraser was suddenly getting worried. Whatever this was about, it involved much more than just swimming lessons. 

The ride to Ray's apartment was quiet and uneventful. Ray had visibly relaxed as soon as Fraser had suggested that they needed to talk. As the two friends made their way into Ray's apartment the Mountie could actually watch as Ray's nerves began to take over again. Fraser was constantly amazed at the speed with which his partner could shift emotional gears. It appeared as if this might turn into a rather taxing evening. 

Ray busied himself in the kitchen making tea. After a lot of trial and error Fraser had finally discovered an herbal tea that Ray really liked. It was spearmint-flavored chamomile tea. Tonight the chamomile would be an added advantage. 

Ray rambled on endlessly about nothing in particular. He knew that Fraser was waiting for him to spill his guts, and he really knew that it was something that needed to be done. That didn't make it any easier. Although Fraser was the best friend that he had ever had, and although he trusted him totally, Ray's deep-seated insecurities made opening himself up to the possibility of ridicule, or worse yet rejection, a very painful process.

Fraser waited patiently. 

Finally, tea in hand Ray motioned Fraser into the livingroom.

"Well Benton buddy...What will it be?...TV...Music...?" Ray was trying very hard to avoid any eye contact.

Fraser carefully took the offered tea and sat in the chair at the end of the couch. 

"Ray, Ray, Ray." Fraser looked up at his nervous friend and smiled rather sadly. "I really wish that it wasn't this hard for you, but we did come here to talk."

"Ya..Ya...Well I know. But...I." Ray was trying very hard.

Ray suddenly sank down wearily on the end of the couch and just shook his head. "Damn!..Maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

Fraser stiffened. It was hard enough to pick the meaning out of Ray's nervous blithering; it was ten times harder to get him talking if he decided to clam up. Fraser didn't want all of Ray's efforts to reach this point wasted.

"I would be more than happy to continue with the swimming lessons Ray." Fraser took a cautious sip of the hot tea. "You really did pick up on it very quickly."

"Ya . Like I had a choice." Ray even managed a small smile.

"But never the less, it was a very good start Ray, and I'm sure that you haven't forgotten nearly as much as you think." Fraser studied Ray closely. He knew that there was more involved here, but he didn't want to push his friend back into a case of the nerves. 

"Ya. Well maybe...but...things ain't quite the same anymore Benton buddy." Ray looked at his friend sadly. "This ain't goin' to be no picnic Fraser. Things have gotten a little complicated." Benton could see the pain and embarrassment clearly reflected in Ray's intensely blue eyes. Fraser wanted nothing more than to be the one to help take the pain away. 

"I know that there is something more going on here Ray." Fraser's gaze never left his partner's face. 

"Oooh ya...try scared shitless." Ray quickly got up from the couch and began to pace slowly. He couldn't stand to see the reaction his friend might have to his admission. "I'm talking big time scared here Fraser. I ain't talking a little.. you know....'Oh my I really can't do this' type a thingy no, no, no.... I'm talkin,' gut wrenchin', bowel twistin', I'd run screamin' into the woods, but my legs won't work, and I got no voice type of really, really scared shitless thingy."

Ray paused in front of the turtle tank. His arms were crossed tightly across his chest. Even standing still he seemed to still be moving. Fraser slowly raised himself from the chair and walked over to stand beside his partner. 

"You mentioned something in the car about having trouble sleeping?" Fraser spoke softly. He could understand Ray's discomfort. There were things in his life that he feared in much the same way. Things that he had never been able to tell anyone. Ray probably wouldn't have understood it, but Fraser envied his friend's courage.

Ray clamped his eyes shut and chewed forcefully on his lower lip. Damn. He had known this wasn't going to be easy, and now, knowing Fraser, there would be no turning back. Ray glanced at Fraser. He made an attempt to continue, but couldn't find the words. He sadly dropped his chin onto his chest and slowly shook his head.

Fraser swallowed hard. Ray's blue eyes were bright with unshed tears. The pain that he saw there tore at his heart. Benton took Ray by the elbow and was rather surprised that his friend allowed himself to be led back to the couch. Ray sat down heavily. Fraser handed the smaller man his tea, and then sat on the coffee table facing him.

"It's alright Ray." Fraser gently laid his hand on Ray's knee. "Everyone has stuff in their lives that they have trouble dealing with. Not everyone has the courage to step up and face them. You are a brave man Ray. I've seen it over and over. If we were never afraid there would 'be' no courage."

Ray smiled a rather wistful smile. "Where do you come up with that shit Fraser?"

"Oh. I'm sure I read it a manual somewhere." Fraser returned his friend's smile. "Tell me what's bothering you Ray. It would be an honor for me if I could help." 

Ray carefully studied his partner. The sincere concern that Fraser felt for him was obvious. It was a look of total concentration on his needs. It was a look that made Ray feel like the luckiest guy in the world. He didn't always believe that he deserved this kind of a friend, but it always made him want to be that kind of a friend for Fraser as well.

"I keep havin' this really stupid dream." Ray looked at Fraser quickly then lowered his eyes to study his tea. "It started after that Brandauer deal, but it ain't got anything to do with it...well in a way it does. Hell Fraser you know how my crazy brain works." 

Ray looked up quickly, flashed a tentative smile at his friend and then quickly continued on. "It's just that in this dream I'm drownin' ya know....I can't breathe...everything is really dark...and I can't get any air." Ray wanted desperately to get up and start pacing but Fraser unintentionally had him blocked in with his position on the coffee table. "That's why I never learned to swim...whenever the water would start gettin' too high it just felt like it was going to suffocate me...like it was going to pull whatever air I 'did' have right out of my chest or somethin'. When we were on that big boat and it went down...ya know... hell that went pretty good and I'm thinkin' heck maybe I can do this...but now...It's like... shit... I don't think so...cause now even the idea of it is...."Ray shot Fraser another embarrassed glance and again lowered his head.

"And you think that if maybe you got back into the water and learned to swim that it would make the dream stop?" Fraser studied Ray closely, again amazed at his partner's courage. It was a courage that Ray was totally oblivious to, and that was typical Ray Kowalski.

"Ya Maybe...It's like that cowboy thingy....If you get bucked off ya got to get right back-up inta the saddle 'cause if you don't you may never be able to again, and then they're goin' to take your spurs away or somethin'." Ray's embarrassment was beginning to ease. "I know that in a way it's because of what happened with Brandauer. There was a lot of times there when I thought I was goin' to suffocate, and it was really scary. But in my head it got all turned around inta drownin'. I don't know maybe it was because of bein' on that stupid little boat and getting' so damn seasick, but ..hell I don't know."

"You're probably right Ray." Fraser's face darkened as he remembered finding Ray in the back room of that small cabin. Ray had been so near choking to death. Fraser now knew that it was more than just a congested lung, but panic as well. "It is an easy association for 'anyone's' mind to make."

"I know it ain't fair to drag you into this Fraser, but....." Ray hesitated. This was a part of the dream that he hadn't planned on bringing up, but once he could get himself started Fraser was the one person that he could talk to about such deeply personal things. "The weird thing about that stupid crazy little dream...well...it always ends the same way and...and...then I wake up."

Fraser instantly sensed that Ray had just taken a very big sidestep. The embarrassed glance from his friend only heightened his suspicions. Ray was suddenly very uncomfortable again.

"Wait a minute Ray. Don't do that. Ok?" Fraser looked at his partner closely. "I think it's important to be real honest here. I want to be able to help. How does the dream end Ray?"

Ray dropped his gaze to the now cold cup of tea that he still held in his hands. He'd just been busted and he knew it. Damn. Fraser was getting to know him a little too well.

"Ok...Ok...Ya well. There I am. Ya know. I can't breathe ya see, an...it's like I got all the air sucked out a me and I just can't get any back in, an..It's really scary ya know 'cause I just...I mean my lungs are screamin' at me, but there ain't nothin' I can..." Ray looked at Fraser. The concerned look he received from his partner finally gave him the courage that he had been lacking. "And then you're there. I mean I can't see ya or nothin' but I can hear ya...and you're tellin' me to relax, and to just breathe...an then everything will be all right. I guess it's 'cause you were there on that damn Henry Albert...Allen...and ya got me out of that mess...so I know ya can get me out of this mess to....an then I wake up. I'm shakin' and I'm sweatin' and I'm totally scared to death...but I'm awake...and I know without a doubt that if I'd not woke up when I did, that I'd have never woke up at all. And the only reason I was able to wake up was 'cause you were there talkin' to me." Ray shook his head sadly. He was totally embarrassed, but he was rather surprised to find that he was totally relieved as well. 

Ray watched as a momentary look of pain and sadness flashed across Fraser's face. He was suddenly afraid that he had finally said the one thing that would drive his friend away. All of his fear of rejection was back in an instant.

"But it's ok if you don't want to...You know...Hell it's probably a stupid idea anyway...That's what it was ya know..just kind of a stupid..." Right now all Ray wanted to do was run, but Fraser still had him blocked in. "....I'm sorry if I...."

Fraser had to shake himself back into the here and now. For an instant he had returned to that small room in that little cabin. He took a firm hold on Ray's wrist. He could feel the slight trembling of his partner, and quickly gave him his most reassuring smile.

"No Ray. Really it's ok. I want to." Fraser leaned forward wanting desperately to calm Ray's trembling. "I just had something flash through my mind...and well I think it will help explain your dream. I never really told you everything about when I was with you in the cabin. Maybe now is the time."

Fraser spent several minutes telling Ray the full details of that experience. It wasn't easy, and as he spoke, the remembered emotions were evident in his voice. He told Ray how he had found him in such a desperate condition that he had thought at first that he was going to be watching his friend die. The painful, racking cough that tore at the slight battered frame of his partner had been a terrible thing to watch. Fraser explained to Ray how he had held him as closely as he could, and how he had tried to reassure him. How he had gently rocked him and whispered into his ear that everything was going to be all right.

"The only thing that I could do Ray was rub your back and keep telling you over and over to 'just relax' just 'relax' and 'breathe'" Fraser's eyes were brimming with tears. The feelings of his total helplessness in the face of his friend's plight suddenly became painfully fresh in his mind. "The only thing I wanted was for you to just take that 'next' breath."

Fraser rose slowly from his perch on the coffee table and returned to his former position in the chair. He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes and released a deep shuddering sigh. For several minutes both men sat in silence. At last Ray cocked his head sideways at Fraser and gave him a sad shy smile. The smile spoke volumes, but Ray said nothing. What was there to say?

The sound of Ray's alarm pulled Fraser from his memories of the previous night. The weekend had finally been planned. The two friends were going camping. Fraser knew of a small-secluded lake two hours from the city. The plan was to spend the afternoon with the swimming lesson, camp for the evening, and then return to the city Sunday afternoon. Ray had insisted that it had to be a rather private place because he just knew that he was going to totally freak-out, and he didn't want an audience. Fraser was sure that it probably wouldn't be all that bad. He knew that the really hard part for Ray had already been dealt with last night. The physical part of it would be a 'piece of cake', as the Americans would say. 

Fraser's assessment of the situation was pretty much on the money. The two friends and the wolf had gotten settled into a campsite by early afternoon. The swimming lesson had taken over an hour, but it had gone very well. It had taken awhile to get Ray used to the feel of the water rising against his chest as they moved out into the lake, but Fraser had given him plenty of time and encouragement. Diefenbaker had barked happily from the pier when Ray finally got the courage to dunk his head under the water. Fraser held on to his friend the first few times, but soon Ray was doing it on his own. 

Ray was surprised at how much he remembered from their adventure on the 'big' lake. Soon the two friends were even racing; and once back in the shallow water they engaged in a rather heated water fight. Of course Fraser won, but by then Ray was in such a good mood that he didn't really care. 

Ray would have probably stayed in longer, but Fraser insisted. He couldn't help but cringe at the sight of Ray's chest when he had peeled off his tee shirt to go swimming. It had been less than five months since Ray's surgery. The large scar had yet to fade, and the shiny pink of the new scar tissue showed clearly in contrast to his otherwise pale skin. It had served as a reminder to Fraser of Ray's slow recovery and the pneumonia. He therefore insisted that they have plenty of time to get dried off and totally warmed up before the chill of the mid-September evening began.

It was just after dark when the friends settled down before a good warm fire. Fraser had prepared an excellent meal, and the three partners were happily stuffed. Dief was stretched out contentedly, having spent most of the afternoon busily hunting the nearby woods. Fraser could tell from Ray's sleepy smile that he wouldn't last too much longer either. The Mountie was a little tired himself. They hadn't gotten much sleep last night, and the stress from working up the courage to get to this point had taken its toll on both of them. 

Fraser had been waging an internal debate with himself for the last several hours. He was toying with the idea of bringing up what had happened to Joe Stahley. He knew from past experiences with Ray and campfires that it was often easier for his partner to talk about important issues when he could focus his attention on the magic of the flames. They had spent several evenings 'city camping' talking out their problems in the soft glow of the fire. Maybe now would be the time to try and get Ray to talk about the big man who had saved his life. Before Fraser could come to a decision Ray removed the need for one. 

"Hey Fraser?...I want to thank ya for today." Ray looked sideways at his friend but quickly returned his gaze to the fire. "Another boogie-man bites the dust."

"That's quite all right Ray." Fraser smiled warmly. "It really was my pleasure. I just hope that this little adventure helps to eliminate that dream." 

"Oooh ya. You and me both ole buddy. The last month it's really started to bug me. Ya know?" Ray poked the fire with a stick and shook his head in wonder. "I mean...shit...a couple times a week at least. Wasn't doin' much for my good humor..If ya catch my drift? I ain't sayin' 'I'll never have the crazy thing again, but I don't think It'll bother me as much any more."

"Why didn't you tell me about it earlier Ray?" Fraser knew the answer, but he wanted Ray to understand that he'd had that option available at any time. "You know I would have been more than willing to help."

"Ya. I know that Fraser...It's just..." Ray searched for the right words. "Kinda embarrassing I guess. That and I think I just needed some time to figure out how I felt about it. You know...get it straight in my own head.... Like what happened with Joe." The last words were barely above a whisper, but an instant flicker of hope welled up in the Mountie.

It was just like Ray Kowalski. The little things were always the easiest for him to talk about, but if given enough time the really big things would finally make their way to the surface too. Fraser had always known that Joe Stahley would eventually have to be dealt with if Ray was to ever really get past the events of last April. Fraser didn't understand how a friendship could have possibly been formed amidst such tragedy, but it obviously had. In the end Joe had given his life to save Ray, and knowing Ray's propensity for turning the blame back on himself, it was sure to have been weighing heavily on his friend. 

"And do you think that you have gotten things straightened out where Joe is concerned Ray?" Fraser knew that he was treading on shaky ground, but he was hoping to keep Ray talking.

"Nah. To be honest Fraser. I've just about given up trying." A small smile played across Ray's face as he absently poked the fire. "I mean heck...that's about all I have thought about lately, and I ain't getting' anywhere....How can ya figure a guy like that Fraser?...It's like he was two different people in one."

"You got to look at it this way." Ray began ticking off points on his fingers as he spoke. "Number one; the guy is a career criminal. He knocks me in the head, throws me in a van, hauls my ass all over hells-half-acre for 'his boss'...I mean he does all this shit for a guy who is out to kill Welsh; who just 'happens' to be a friend of mine." The expression on Ray's face told of his obvious puzzlement. "But what does he do?...He takes care of me like I was someone real important to him....Hell. He held my head while I puked my guts up on that stupid little boat. He watched over me like a mother hen."

Ray suddenly stood up and walked a few paces around the fire before returning and setting back down. 

"It's crazy!...On one hand he was this big tough goon, but on the other hand he was this incredibly gentle, caring guy that you'd swear wouldn't hurt a fly. Like I said two different people in one. How the hell can ya figure someone like that, Fraser?" Ray studied his friend's face closely. "If you know. Tell me...'cause I sure as hell don't."

Fraser couldn't help but smile. "Well Ray. I really don't know that I can help you on this one. You see I know a man that is very similar and I don't always think that I have done a very good job at figuring him out either."

"Really?" Ray leaned in closer eager for any advice.

"Yes. Really." Fraser's smile grew just a little bigger. "The person I'm thinking of is, on one hand, very tough, very brave, and more than a little obnoxious at times. Yet on the other hand he is a gentle, sensitive, person who cares very deeply for people."

"See!..Da ya see that Fraser?" Ray was almost to the point of excitement. "That's what I mean. How do figure someone like that?...It's like you think ya got this all straight.. and then.. whammy the ole curve ball thingy."

"Very well put, Ray." Fraser was really beginning to enjoy himself. "Yes Ray. I have a friend who can stand up in the face of a man who out-weighs him by a good hundred pounds and never flinch. And yet if that same man were dead, and stretched out in the morgue, he would be, as you have said 'scared shitless' to even look at him."

Ray shot Fraser a quick puzzled smile as realization began to dawn.

"You see Ray. My friend can walk into a shot-out with a smile on his face, and yet he can get very apprehensive if it's dark and he thinks that there may be a rat within a half-mile." Fraser was struggling to keep a straight face. "Oh yes. He will happily threaten to 'kick you in the head', and then turn around and risk his life in 'wildly bizarre' ways simply because you ask him too."

Ray smiled warmly at his friend. He rested his chin in his hands and shook his head.

"That's rich Fraser. That's really rich. You're pretty tickled with yourself ain't ya big guy?"

"Yes Ray. As a matter of fact, I thought that that was a rather witty reply, if I do say so myself. And you must admit that you were rather 'reeled in' lets say?" Fraser returned the smile.

"Ya..Well Ok. I'll give ya that one." Ray was silent for a moment. A look of bemused sadness returned to his face. "So what you're sayin' here is that on the inside Joe was a poet, but on the outside it was...shake copper shake." It was more a statement than a question.

"Yes Ray. I guess that's a pretty good analogy." Fraser understood the sadness of his partner. "Ray. I am truly sorry that Joe Stahley is dead. I owe him a great deal. He saved your life."

"Ya...I guess... For whatever that's worth." Ray returned his attention to the fire.

"It's worth a great deal to me Ray." 

The rest of the evening was spent in idle chatter, punctuated with long silences spent staring at the fire. Fraser knew that Ray was still thinking about Joe. He knew that after Ray had a chance to digest what had been said he would probably be ready to talk about it again. It had taken Ray almost five months to even bring the subject up at all. Fraser had been patient. He had been there for his partner tonight. He would be there for him the next time as well.

Fraser never thought that the subject would come up again so soon.

They had been comfortably nestled in their sleeping bags almost a half-hour. Fraser could tell that Ray was still awake. As sleepy as Ray looked setting by the fire Fraser was more than a little surprised. He knew that his partner was totally exhausted from the stress, and physical exertion of the last two days, and yet he wasn't asleep.

"Are you all right Ray?"

"Ya...I'm ok...it's just.." Fraser could hear the catch in his friend's voice. "Why did he do it Fraser?..Why in the 'hell' did he take that bullet for me?....He knew I wasn't suppose to come out of that deal alive....I mean shit...He knew 'that' going in..and even later he was still willing to go through with it. He said he was 'locked in' 'cause of his brother.. ya know" 

Fraser couldn't see the tears that were beginning to form in his partner's eyes, but he could hear them in his voice. "...I just don't get it...one minute he's ready to watch 'em kill me, an the next, he takes that crazy bullet for me....I just do not get that."

Fraser tried to see the face of his friend as he replied. "I really don't know Ray. We may never know. I am just glad that he did. In many ways he was a very good man."

"You should've seen his face when he saw that 'wolf'. It was like watchin' a kid on Christmas morning, or somethin'. I was lookin' right into his face when he got shot Fraser. In a lot of ways it was the same kinda face. He looked just like a big kid. Some big dumb kid that had just got the shock of his life....." Ray was silent for a very long time. Fraser waited.

"Don't get me wrong Fraser. I'm glad that I'm alive...I just wish..."

"I understand Ray. Really, I do." Fraser could sense his friend's struggle for the right words.

"I just don't get it. I told him I understood... him backin' his brother an' all...Hell I understand loyalty Fraser...shit I even forgave him. But then he takes that stupid bullet." 

Fraser was stuck by the magnitude of what Ray had just said. It was obvious that Ray didn't understand it at all. 

"Did you actually forgive him Ray?"

"Ya. Just before we left the cabin. Hell Fraser, that whole thing was so far out of his hands. He even said he wished things could have been different...and I knew he meant it...shit 'I' wished things coulda been too...but..." Ray was again at a loss for words. 

"You gave Joe something precious Ray. I'm sure that he thought he owed you something precious in return." Fraser hoped that he would be able to make Ray understand the magnitude of what he had done for Joe.

"What are you talkin' about Fraser." Benton could hear the questioning in Ray's tone. "You ain't makin' any sense here buddy. I didn't give Joe nothin'."

"That's where you are wrong Ray. You gave Joe your forgiveness. Forgiveness is a precious thing Ray. And it doesn't come cheap." Fraser could hear the rustle of Ray's sleeping bag as he raised himself up onto his elbow in an attempt to see Fraser's face. 

"Please. Just hear me out Ray." Fraser didn't wait for a reply.

"Forgiveness does not come cheap. It never does. If I was to punch you in the nose and you should decide to forgive me, that forgiveness cost something. It cost you a punch in the nose. There is a sense Ray, in which all forgiveness is substitutionary...lets say...one for the other. The fact is, forgiveness always costs somebody something. Joe was involved in an action that would result in your death. You were willing to forgive him for that. That forgiveness came at a cost. The cost of that forgiveness was your life. You were, in a manner of speaking, willing to give your life to Joe." 

Fraser tried to read the look on Ray's face. He wanted him to understand. 

"I didn't know Joe Stahley as well as you did Ray. But I suspect that he understood the importance of what you were willing to give him." Fraser held his breath and prayed for Ray's understanding. "Basically you put your life in his hands. Your life had become his responsibility. In that final moment he chose to return the gift. He gave his life for yours." 

Ray made no reply. Fraser heard the movement as Ray rolled over onto his stomach. It was sometime later that Fraser heard his friend softly crying into the folds of his sleeping bag. Without hesitation Fraser laid his arm across the trembling shoulders of his partner. It wasn't until Ray had cried himself to sleep that Fraser allowed himself to sleep as well.

 

It wasn't quite 6:00am when Fraser heard Ray slip from the tent. It felt good to just lay still in the fresh morning air. Fraser wanted to give Ray some time alone. It wasn't the first time that Fraser had comforted Ray when he felt the need to cry, but he was sure that Ray would be embarrassed by it. Fraser often wished that he had the courage to allow himself that release. He knew that he could do it with Ray. Ray would understand. That fact alone was a comfort, but it was just a hard thing for the Mountie to do. 

After almost a half-hour Fraser also left the tent. Ray had stirred the fire back into life, but Dief and he were neither one in sight. Benton fixed a pot of coffee and set it carefully over the fire. Only then did he go looking for his partners.

As Fraser approached the lake he saw Dief and Ray out on the pier. Ray had gotten back into the cut-offs that he had used to swim in yesterday. Fraser stopped in his tracks. He watched as Ray slipped the tee shirt off his skinny frame and squatted down at the side of the pier. His toes were curled over the edge. Fraser couldn't help but smile. At this distance Ray looked like a twelve-year-old kid, all boney knees and elbows. Fraser watched as Ray carefully slipped off the pier into the water. He held on tightly to the side of the pier, releasing his grip only long enough to reassure the anxious wolf that was closely watching his every move. Fraser cautiously drew as near as possible without being seen. He wanted to be near enough for a rescue, if it became necessary. 

Ray just held himself in the water. It was almost a full minute before he finally dunked his head. Fraser began to uncoil. Ray seemed to be pretty relaxed, although he still had a grip on the side of the pier. But even as Fraser was thinking that, Ray shoved himself away from his hand hold and swam gracefully out into the lake. 

Fraser smiled as he made his way down to the waters edge. He was very proud to have Ray Kowalski for a friend. He had watched him successfully overcome yet another obstacle that life had thrown in his path, and Benton was glad that he had been a part of it. Fraser knew that it would still take Ray awhile to sort out all the feeling about what had happened to Joe and the sacrifice that the big man had made. But like the painful looking scar that Ray carried on his chest, those sad memories would also fade. Time was indeed a great healer. 

Winthru@kconline.com 


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